my vag is so smooth its legendary
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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