when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
