So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
