Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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