she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
