i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
