So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
