who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
