Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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