a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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