i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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