You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
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