I bet he comes in French.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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