in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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