Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
