I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
