So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
