My room smells like vodka and shame
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Someone came in the potted fern
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
