remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Randomize
