hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
