I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
