Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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