Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
