I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
