Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
