I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
