Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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