your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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