I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
