Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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