Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
