he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
last night I used snow as a chaser
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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