I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
