what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
