How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Randomize
