Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
