I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
