but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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