it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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