Ketchup is God's man juice
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
then he tried to convert me to islam
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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