i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
