I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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