Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Randomize
