I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
