If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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