Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
