I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Soap is not a condiment
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
