We named our party play list daddy issues
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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