Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
