im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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